He Has You

For several years, I was teaching classes in three different prisons. One of the courses I taught was called Boundaries. For this class, we would have everyone read the book called Boundaries, which was written by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. I encourage you to read this book.

One of the greatest things that you can do to build and maintain positive relationships is to establish healthy boundaries. Sometimes, we think setting boundaries will hurt the relationship, but the lack of boundaries is what hurts them more.

Never be surprised when someone crosses a boundary that you never established. “A day will come for rebuilding your walls; on that day your boundary will be extended” (Micah 7:11 HCSB).

In general, there are two types of people: givers and takers. Givers give, and takers take, but the problem arises when the takers take more than the givers want to give. Invariably, we are both of those types of people at some point in our lives.

Givers always have plenty, and takers never have enough. “One who gives to the poor will never lack anything, but one who shuts his eyes will have many curses” (Proverbs 28:27 NASB).

As givers, we think that if we say no to a taker, then the taker will be hurt or angry. It is likely very true. But if we say yes when we really want to say no, then it is we who will be hurt and angry. As we continue to say yes, we will become increasingly bitter, and the relationship will suffer from it.

What you don’t do determines what you will do. You have to say no to one thing to make it a yes to another. “Just let your ‘Yes’ be a simple ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No’ a simple ‘No’; anything more than this has its origin in evil” (Matthew 5:37 CJB).

When we establish boundaries, we create a healthy place where we can have meaningful and satisfying relationships with others. People may not like your boundaries and may even try to breach them, but hold your ground, timid Christian, for you are doing the right thing.

Stop worrying about the antics of man and stand firm in the power of God. “…that your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God” (1 Corinthians 2:5 NKJV).

Without boundaries, relationships suffer, but with boundaries, relationships have the fertile ground in which they grow and flourish. We need to draw lines and then demand that other people respect them. Once we do this, we can see how others will respond to these lines.

It’s a wonderful place you get to in your life when you stop worrying about what people think of you. “It is dangerous to be concerned with what others think of you, but if you trust the Lord, you are safe.” (Proverbs 29:25 GNT).

Some people will respect your boundaries and see the value they serve in the relationship. Some people will continue to try and mow you down as if no boundaries exist, and the relationship will suffer for it. Sometimes, it’s the boundary that reveals the character of other people.

The measure of a man is not the size of his office but of his character. By this measure, we have many small men in big offices. “…tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character…” (Romans 5:3-4 NKJV).

Some people will be hurt by your boundaries, and the relationship will come to an end. That is their choice. Hold your ground, and if they really care about you, then they will come around. Sometimes, it is better to lose a relationship than to continue suffering through one.

How we end a relationship is more telling of who we are than how we begin one. “So Abram said to Lot, ‘Please let there be no strife between you and me… Please separate from me. If you take the left, then I will go to the right; or, if you go to the right, then I will go to the left’” (Genesis 13:8-9 NKJV).

It is easy to identify in our lives who is breaching our boundaries. You can probably list them off in your head without any time to think about it. If you feel bitter about how much they are asking from you, then you have not yet set healthy boundaries.

Bitterness is hurting yourself after someone has hurt you. “Get rid of your bitterness, hot tempers, anger, loud quarreling, cursing, and hatred. Be kind to each other, sympathetic, forgiving each other as God has forgiven you through Christ” (Ephesians 4:31-32 GW).

If you want to have good relationships, then you have to have good boundaries. No boundaries lead to feelings to keep your distance, whereas good boundaries will draw you closer each other. It is never too late to work on improving a relationship until it is, so start now and do not ever stop.

Do the right thing, even if it hurts. “So then, anyone who knows the right thing to do and fails to do it is committing a sin” (James 4:17 CJB).

The hardest thing for us to do is to see where we are breaching the boundaries of others. Where we ask more than we give, and our demands are always increasing. Where they may be embittered towards us. Open your eyes the widest when you look into the mirror to see how you really are.

Rarely will a person see their own hypocrisy reflected in the mirror. “How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin” (Psalm 19:12-13 NLT).

Blessings to you,

Paul Balius